High Expectations.

SO this is what I feel like sometimes...

Like I am angry, but deeper down I feel like I am drowning in my own self-discipline I guess is the best word for it.

For the last week I have had a really hard time. I had hives two weekends ago, I went to a Doctor's appt that wasn't awesome the weekend after, then this weekend I felt like I needed to end things with Erik. Over and over and over in my head I kept thinking "this is only temporary", which I don't get. I am madly in love with Erik. And yet my head kept saying well every other relationship you have been in has ended so what makes this one any different. It was a really hard and emotionally draining weekend trying to tell my self that I am in love with him. WHICH I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY AM! Do not get me wrong. How can you not see love all over us...

I know it was the enemy trying to get into the good we have been making in my life.

I am unhappy with my minimum wage job, but I know it is temporary and I just need something mindless while I am finishing my schooling. I need to stop pushing myself just for one second and enjoy school and an easy job. Me hair stylist said it to me last week, enjoy doing nothing because soon enough you will be wishing that you were not completely consumed by your career and could just take a breather at a mindless job like being a cashier. 

I think a really hard part that I am dealing with lately has been lack of inspiration in drawing and painting. That has been my outlet for emotions for the last 2 years and lately, lets say in the last 6 months, I have not had any dreams, images, or inspiration to draw or paint. It has been really hard as such an abstract brain to not be able to release these emotions...I don't know what to do. I guess I can pray for inspiration.

So my spring break is over and I have nothing to show for it. I worked and watched tv haha

I didn't know what to do because every one else's spring breaks are in a couple weeks and then I will be in class. Eh. What ever hopefully next weeks pay check will be a good amount so I can breath about my bills I have been racking up in the last month.

I am waiting for my world to turn around.